Finally.

What a fitting title.  Finally I have some time to sit down and finally write about it finally being 2013 and how this crazy/exciting/boring/hard/fun/poor-yet-rewarding time is about to finally be over...in four months, June 15th to be exact.

For those of you just tuning in, Hi!  I'm an inconsistent blogger who likes to complain, yet knows that I am truly blessed, yet hoping to become even more blessed this summer when my husband's medical training will finally be over!  He has been in school of some sort since the day I met him, August 17, 1999 to be exact.  That was the start of my freshman year in college, his sophomore.  Since graduating from THE University of Florida (GO GATORS!), we have endured 4 years of medical school (with and added year of earning his MPH, so that's 5 years), 3 years of a pediatric residency and 3 years of a dual fellowship in Neonatology (taking care of preemies and sick newborns) and Health Services research (RWJCSP).  That is 15 years of higher education.  15 years of getting paid nothing at all and then basically minimum wage when considering the hours put in.  

Now, before you start thinking I'm a desperate housewife who is looking for the big payoff, please know that I am just as excited, if not more so, for my husband who can finally start his career and stop jumping through all these hoops.  He has so much to offer this world, his patients and his family and while he has already given so much, I feel like I will truly see a different man come June 15th when he finally gets to see, feel, breath and live the culmination of so many years of literal sweat, blood and tears.  

With the end of the journey and the beginning of a new one approaching, there is a possibility of a new location as well.  For those of you who know me well, you know I've been counting down this possibility since the day we moved to MI.    I have missed FL dearly ever since I drove over the state line that June day in 2007.  After mourning the fact that a move back to FL would not be in my husband's best interest for his specific interests/career goals, I have had to come up with the next best thing.  We are now in the midst of "Decision 2013" which may be just as important as "Decision 2012".  While I'm pretty sure we made the right decision in 2012, I am hoping we undoubtedly make the right decision for 2013 and beyond.  

Without further ado, and in the words of my favorite song from The Clash, should I stay or should I go?  Midwest or the South?  Miserable winter or land-locked hot summers?  EST or CST?  Comfort of friends or closer to family?  Shopping at three different grocery stores or Publix?  'Eh' or y'all?  BIG10-craphole or SEC-heaven?  Ann Arbor or Nashville?  

It is time to finally make a decision.

The Long Overdue Update

So, it's been five, okay six, months.  Sorry.  Life happened.  While life was happening, Annie and Ella have been growing.  Annie has now turned a year old, Ella has started 1st grade, and I've gained 10 pounds...but, we can just forget about that last part (until I try to fit into those jean).  


So, my big girl started first grade right after Labor Day.  She was super-excited and had no issues adjusting.  We were also blessed with THE BEST teacher!  Mrs. Leach rocks.  Ella says her favorite subject is math.  She is a great speller and her reading skills have just taken off!  It's so fun to hear her read to Annie and we also read together.  She also has art, music, P.E., sign language and world culture classes at school.  And I have to say, I started getting into that rut of asking, "So, what did you do at school today?" and getting the same old, "nothing".  Instead, I've started just asking, "Did you have a good day at school?" because that will give me a response and she either opens up more about what she did then, or later in the day...or week...she tends to tell me more things than when I ask questions. I love her stories, especially the BS ones.  She's a great BSer.  :)  

Ella participated in Fall soccer again!  She was great and her team went 5-1.  We've been taking a break this winter, but next month she starts a short cheerleading clinic that will culminate in her cheering at halftime at a Dexter Varsity basketball game.  She is very excited about that!  She is also going to start karate and dance again.  So, it seems like I'll be chauffering a lot more coming up!


Now Miss Annie...she turned 1 in October.  She is now  almost 15 months old and on the go!  She is into everything and in the middle of everything and climbs on top of everything!  She finally took her first steps at 13 months.  She's walking more and more every day and soon will be chasing after her sister and the dogs.  I don't think she's totally convinced yet that it's faster than crawling, but you can see week by week that she takes more steps before falling on her but and she has found out that if she walks with her arms extended up into the air, she has a lot more balanced...which makes it look like we have a little Frankenstein walking around.  


The one thing this girl can't get enough of it food!  She would eat all day non-stop if she could and she eats everything in site.  There is not one food she has seen and not tried.  I can't even really pinpoint her favorite food because she really will just eat anything you put in front of her.  She is definitely a growing girl.  Speaking of growing, here are her 12 month stats even though they've definitely changed by now:  Height 31 3/4" (95th percentile), weight 21.11 pounds (50th percentile) and head circumference was 18 cm.




I hopeful this spring she will be taking her first swim lessons.  Ella started at 14 months, but we were living in FL at the time.  I'm not about to get my pasty white self in a swimsuit in the middle of winter and lug by baby in and out of the cold weather to do mommy and me swim classes!  So, we'll wait a few more months which will put her around 18 months, I guess.  We are definitely looking forward to being outside again with her able to get around on her own and explore the outdoors which she loves, we just aren't in it too much.

Speaking of the outdoors, we have just booked a Disney vacation for the first week of March, so we are all excited to see green grass and feel the warmth on our faces.  This will be Annie's first trip to Disney and Ella hasn't been in a few years, so Stephen and I are excited to see their faces light up when we get there.  So for all your FL peeps, we'll be staying in Orlando March 2-8.  Please let us know if we can meet up!  We do not plan on driving all over the state of FL this trip, so if you're close by let us know.


To wrap this up, we all had a lovely holiday season.  We were in MI for Thanksgiving and Christmas and we were able to spend some time with close friends and also have some quiet time with just the four of us.  It was bittersweet as this was my first holiday without my G'ma, but we all took time out to remember her and reminisce about last Christmas when we were with her.  Annie was fun this year too as she was a little more into Christmas and all the decorations.  She she actually enjoyed her gifts...and not surprisingly, so did Ella!  


I hope 2012 will be a great year for all of our family and friends and I look forward to sharing more with you in the coming months.  Happy New Year!

I miss my G'ma.

This is nothing new.  Missing G'ma.  I think about her every day in just about every situation that's going on around me.  I know this is normal and to be honest, it does not make me as sad as it used to.  I'm able to reminisce without tears, but sometimes those tears do fall.  Ella misses her 'grammy' a lot, too.  We talk about her a lot and we end up having dreams about her on the same nights.  I think that's neat.


I have never really been able to put into words exactly what G'ma meant to me or to our family has a whole.  G'ma and I weren't the kind of people who were too lovey dovey, we just knew how much we loved each other and left it at that.  Her passing came too fast and I was definitely not able to talk at her memorial service, although I had the opportunity.  Besides the fact that I knew I wouldn't be able to speak without sobbing, I just couldn't put any words together or memories in a cohesive thought.  I don't regret not taking advantage of that moment, but again, I think about her all the time and miss her like crazy and I try my best to honor her memory and make her proud.  I also want to be able to describe her to Annie when she gets older since she didn't really get to know her.  So, while I was finishing up "Bittersweet" this evening, one of the final chapters is called "Blueberries" and right from the beginning it reminded me of G'ma.  Now, the chapter is about the author's G'ma and clearly there are some differences in hobbies, etc. but the overall thoughts and memories that she wrote about her G'ma and how she will remember her are the exact words I've been looking for.  I guess I'm sort of plagiarizing her thoughts, but I've never been an original.  :)


Once again, I want to transcribe the chapter for you.  I hope you take the time to read it as I'm sure it will be uplifting for those who have had any type of loss in their lives.

Blueberries

An excerpt from "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist

My Grandma Hybels passed away on Sunday night with on of her daughters at her side.  Earlier that day, she'd been surrounded by all five of her children and her pastor, and they prayed together, kissed her, held her hands.  She was not afraid, and she was not alone.

At her eighty-fifth birthday party this summer, it was apparent to all of us that the cancer had returned and that it was overtaking her body, even thought she didn't want to admit it to anyone.  As the fall progressed, so did the cancer, and just after Christmas, she was moved to a hospice center.  Her last weeks were filled with visits from her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, until late one night, she passed way gently in her sleep.

When, in the weeks before her death, the cousins shared some of our childhood memories with Grandma, there were three things that came up over and over: blueberries, cinnamon toast and beach glass.  Grandma made the very best blueberry pie, and when my cousin Cameron learned that Grandma recently passed her recipe on to his little sister Melody, he told Mel that he expected Grandma's blueberry pie every time he comes to Chicago.  We all remember picking blueberries with Grandma at DeGrandchamp's in South Haven, which, for out-of-towner's, is widely known as the Blueberry Capital of the World, complete with a Blueberry Festival, Blueberry Parade and Blueberry Queen.


At Grandma's cottage we ate blueberries straight out of the bowl in the mornings, and in muffins all day long, but our favorite was her fresh blueberry pie, with a scoop of Sherman's Ice Cream - the second most famous export to come out of South Haven, right behind the blueberries.


In the last days of Grandma's life, she had no appetite and everyone who visited her worked hard to find something the sounded good to her - macaroni or pudding, something.  At a certain point, nothing worked.  And then my Aunt Marilyn found one last bag of frozen blueberries in Grandma's freezer and brought it to the hospice center.  Grandma said that she'd been saving that bag for her great-grandchildren, but admitted that they did sound good, and she'd just have a few.  For the last few days of her life, those frozen blueberries were the only things she ate, and for anyone who knew her, that doesn't surprise us a bit.


My brother remembers sitting on the carpet watching Dukes of Hazzard at the cottage, because the rule was that if you had already been swimming, you had to sit on the green shag carpet - no wet buns on the couch.  When we were done at the beach for the day, Grandma would line us all up in the front yard and spray us all off in one fell swoop, first all our fronts and then all our backs.  She was forever fighting against sand in the cottage, but with so many little feet, I think the sand generally won.


We fought over who would get to sleep in Grandma's bed with her, the big brass bed, and in the mornings, we all loved having cinnamon bread from Bunde's Bakery in the sunroom, the toaster and the butter dish in the corner always ready for us.


One of our favorite things to do at Grandma's cottage was to search for beach glass, because Grandma collected it in jars like a precious treasure.  Every few days we'd take out all the pieces and spread them out on the dining room table with her and she acted as though we'd found gold every time.


When we came to visit Grandma for the last time, she gave each of us a box, one for each child and grandchild.  In each of our boxes, she had packed up every baby picture, every card we'd given her, and an assortment of family memories and newspaper clippings.  Late one night I  spread the contents of the box all over my dining room table  - baby pictures of my dad that look just like Henry, an invitation to my parent's wedding, and another invitation to my grandparent's wedding.  I found a note that my dad wrote to his dad, who passed away when I was two.  The contents of that box helped piece together childhood memories long forgotten and bits of a past I never knew.


One thing that brought her great joy in the last several years of her life was the time with her great-grandchildren.  Grandma held them and soothed them, played with them on the floor, and collected pictures of them to show her friends and sisters.  It was a very moving thing to watch Grandma care for our children in much the same way she cared for us when we were small.


Luka was born less than two months ago, and my cousin Larissa and her husband, Matt, knew, in the first terrifying hours of Luka's life, when he was hooked up to  monitors and things seemed to change from moment to moment, that Grandma was praying consistently for Luka's health.  And even though she was very sick, she insisted on visiting Luka, and wanted to hold him every chance she got, even when he was fussing.


Just last week, after Grandma had moed to the hospice center, her health declining by the day, she was delighted to hear the my cousin Jake's wife, Sara, gave birth to a son named Logan.  While Grandma never wanted to bother anyone about anything, that morning, she wanted to make phone calls to tell people about the birth of baby Logan.  In many ways, that's all you need to know about my Grandma, that days before the end of her life, her greatest concern was not for herself, but for a child, and for the health and safety of her family.


Above all else, even above the blueberries and the cinnamon bread, what we remember about Grandma, what we knew was most important to her, was her faith.  She prayed for us consistently and asked us pointedly about where we were going to church and what we were learning from our Bible reading.  She modeled for us, more than anything, her deep belief that faith is the center of everything, the foundation upon which all else is built.


At the heart of Grandma's faith was servanthood.  She didn't want to be the center of attention and didn't ask hardly anything of anyone.  Even at the very end of her life, when she needed something from the nurses, she'd ask, "Would that be too much trouble for you?"  They teased her and finally started telling her, "Jerry, this is about you!"  Anyone who knew he knows that she never, ever thought it was about her.


On the last afternoon Todd and I spent with her, we talked about the importance of faith.  She told us that all she wanted at the end of her life was to know that each one of her children and grandchildren trusted Christ with their lives.  I don't think she cared a bit if we went to good colleges or not, or how we looked, or if we made a lot of money.  She cared about our spiritual well-being and prayed fervently and consistently for each one of us.


If you opened Grandma's refrigerator, t looked like and she ate was yogurt, cottage cheese and sour cream.  But if you took a closer look you realized that there were odds and ends of all sors of things in those reused containers - bits of casserole, leftovers, slices of pie all stored in rinsed-out yogurt and cottage cheese containers.  She also took crackers and sugar packets from restaurants, and used bread bags to store almost anything.  Grandma never wasted a thing and was never extravagant.  She didn't spend on herself and lived with great frugality, preferring to give to her church, to missions, and to her family.


Although she lived simply, she gave generously to us.  And possibly even more important, she modeled to us her deeply held belief that money doesn't buy happiness, that it isn't ours in the first place, and that wastefulness and extravagance lead to bad ends.  In a world where financial mismanagement and recklessness seem to be the norm, we consider it a gift to have learned another way from Grandma.


In my last conversation with Grandma, we talked a lot about heaven.  She told me she was so excited to go there and that she felt like it was taking a long time.  One of the reasons she was most excited about heaven is because there she'll be reunited with her husband.  For a woman who had been widowed for more than thirty years, I can't imagine the sweetness of that reunion.  She spoke in great detail about wanting to see her sisters and brothers and looking forward to a time when age and disease and pain are gone.


We'll miss Grandma terribly.  We'll think of her every time we eat blueberries or find a piece of beach glass in South Haven.  But we know, with as much certainty as we know anything, that she is in heaven, free from pain and disease, reunited with Christ, with a husband she's missed for three decades, and with sisters and brothers she loved dearly.  And for that, we're so thankful.


The best way to honor my grandma's life, I believe, is to live with the faith, simplicity, prayerfulness and kindness that she lived with every day.  When any of us - her children, her grandchildren, the many people she touched and walked with - live simply in order to give generously, when we serve without wanting recognition, when we put the needs of others above our own, when we pray for the people we love, we will honor the legacy of this tiny, lovely, godly woman, my grandma, Gertrude Hybles.

Well, if you've made it down this far, I hope that touched you as much as it did me.  I felt like I was talking with my G'ma again while reading this as we had those same conversations in her last days and faith was so important to her as well.  I miss knowing that G'ma was praying for me and my family every day.  I want/need to be like that...I want to be like her.  I hope when we see each other again that I will have made her proud.

Dude!

Yes, I know.  It's been a while since I last blogged...probably close to a month.  The last time I was bragging about our soon-to-happen vacation to FL.  Well, that came and went and a lovely time was had by all.  I could recap the trip, but I think we've spoken to most of you and the pics are posted on Facebook.  Needless to say, it was a much needed vacation and I did not want to leave.  FL will forever be my home and the beach and just about any pool will always be the best relaxor for me. I look forward to either moving back some day or at least having a vacation home there.  


I could brag about the girls, but since they are both a few days away from check-ups I will wait to write a separate blog about their growth/milestones and achievements.  


We've all been dealing with sickness for the past few months.  It seems like a never-ending cycle.  Ella has been sick, I swear, for the past three months on and off.  I thought things would get better after school got out and she wasn't around other nasty kids, but to no avail.  I got sick right before FL and it hung on for a couple weeks to the point where Stephen had to call me in a Z-Pak while we were in FL.  Upon our return, Stephen got really sick.  He NEVER gets sick and usually when he does it's strep and he gets antibiotics and he's good in a few days.  Well, this seemed a lot like what I had before FL and it got him down pretty bad and because he was working so much when we got back he really didn't have time to rest and recoup.  Unfortunately, Ella got sick because she doesn't know how to stay away from sick people and surprise, surprise...Annie and I are now sick because I, of course, am the caretaker and again, Ella can't stay away from anybody when SHE is sick!!  UGH!  I'm so over this.  I have decided that I will turn into an old person every time someone gets sick in this house, meaning if Stephen is sick, I will sleep in another room, if Ella gets sick, she will stay in her room.  I know that sounds old-school, but it works.


I've been trying to read more lately since I was able to get back to this passion of mine since we were in FL.  I used to read all the time.  Kids don't really let that happen, too often...unless of course we're talking about Curious George, Dr. Seuss, Clifford, etc. and those are not my passions!  :)  I'm just about done with "Bittersweet", the second book by Shauna Niequist who I posted previously an excerpt from her first book "Cold Tangerines".  I have to say, I do not like this book as much as the first, but I am in love with the way she writes and I hope she comes out with a new book soon!  I am also reading "Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell who also wrote "The Tipping Point" and "blink".  I'm not really into this book, but Stephen and I like to read together and he wanted to read this one.  I'm looking forward to starting Tim Tebow's book "Through My Eyes" and also Emily Giffin's most recent book "Heart of the Matter".  I used to only be able to read one book at a time, but I find if the two books are different styles I can handle reading two at a time.  Have any of y'all read any of these?  What did you think?


Anyway, you'll be hearing from me sooner rather than later, but just wanted to chat a little today.

Still waiting for the rapture...from MI to FL!

OK...so we've passed the crazy May 21st prediction(s) of the Mayans and some crazy man in California.  I have yet to pass the craziness that our family has been enduring since April!  Since my last unplanned trip to FL in March, our family has been going non-stop and I'm ready to get off the speeding train.  Stephen has been working non-stop in the NICU making up time he had to take off for my G'ma's passing/memorial service and getting through extra calls so we can enjoy a two-week vacation mid-June (hence, our rapture from MI to FL).  


What's keeping me so busy you ask?  Well, I've started a new transcription job and it continues to pick up and I LOVE it!  But, since Annie is more mobile these days (more on that in a few), I can really only work during her naps which extends my work days sometimes late into the evening after the girls have gone to bed.  That's made even worse on the days that Stephen is on-call because if he isn't home to at least give him an hour break, I pretty much go to bed when the girls do and then I just finish work early the next morning before California wakes up (where my account is located).  Now, as mentioned above, Annie is now mobile.  She started crawling on her 7 month birthday!  UGH!!  I was not ready for this.  Ella didn't start crawling until she was 9 months old and even then, we lived in a 800 square foot box in Boston and she didn't have a lot of places to go.  So, this has definitely been an awakening for me and we need to get on the baby-proofing STAT!  Annie definitely loves her freedom and thankfully has not gotten into any 'trouble', but unfortunately, she eats a lot of dog hair (extra fiber, right?).  With two dogs, I definitely don't vacuum as much as I should.  Ella is enjoying the mor mobile Annie, too and is still in a rush for her to walk and talk so they can gang up on me.   Ella has also kept me busy with end-of-the-year activities, being sick every 3 to 4 weeks since March and preparing for her 6th birthday.  Yes, I just said 6!!!  No, I can't believe it myself.  I feel old.  


The feeling old part doesn't get any better as Stephen and I get ready to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary on June 23rd.  This is where our rapture to FL comes into play.  Stephen and I have not been on a real vacation, let alone a vacation for just the two of us, since 2004 when we went to the Keys for our 3rd anniversary.  Oh the days when we weren't tied down and didn't have a many responsibilities and we definitely had more money!  But, thanks to my awesome sister-in-law and my husband doing a crap-load of moonlighting to make some extra bucks, we are heading to FL on June 13th where we will promptly drop the girls off in Lakeland at my sister-in-law's and then proceed to check into the South Seas Resort in Captiva Island!!!  Can you say 'Hell Yeah'?!

Blessings and Curses

Over the past year I've been reading and re-reading a book called "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Niequist.  

I started reading this book as part of my women's group, but have since gone back to reread a few passages that really meant a lot to me and some that have new meaning.  The excerpt that I want to share with you actually should have had a lot of meaning to me the first I read it, but I think something inside me just didn't want to admit how much it was talking to me!  As I've faced another loss in my life and realize that I need to go seek help/advice/support, this passage has made me realize what I've probably known all along...even though I see many blessings that have come from the many tragedies in my life, I still consider myself "cursed".

Blessings and Curses

There are things that happen to us, and when they happen, they give us two options.  Either way, we will never be the same, and we shouldn't.  These things can either strip us down to the bone and allow us to become strong and honest, or they can be reasons we use to behave poorly indefinitely, the justification for all manner of broken relationships and broken ideals.  It could be the things that allows everything else to turn, that allows the lock of our lives to finally spring open and our pent-up selves to blossom like preening flowers.  Or it can be the reason we use to justify our anger and the sharp tones in our voices for the rest of our lives.*  

One of my dearest and oldest friends, Jon, married a girl I grew up with.  In the middle of the night two years later, Jon called me because he had just found emails that made it clear to him that his wife was cheating on him.  Soon after, she left and never came back.  Less than a year later, they were divorced, and the day they went to court, we threw a party for Jon, not to celebrate the fact of the divorce, but because it didn't seem right that he would go home to their empty apartment after the courthouse.  We grilled out and drank icy margaritas with salty rims, and sat on the back steps of our townhouse, watching the bugs circle the porch light.

Jon had every right, you could say, to let his life be defined by that day, by that year, by that woman, by that betrayal.  But what he did instead was a marvelous thing to watch.  He laid himself open and vulnerable to life and God and therapy and close friends, and began the breathtaking process of becoming more than what he had been in a thousand different ways.  He is softer, in the best possible way, and when you talk to him, you know that he's been down to the bottom and fought his way back up.  He listens more closely and prays like he's talking to a best friend.  I knew him well for years before she left, and although I would never wish upon anyone the searing pain I saw written on his face during that season, what God did in his life through that event makes me believe God's goodness even more than I did before.

In May, three years ago, I stood at the back of a church and cried great big happy tears as he married Christina, a beautiful and smart woman who loves him with a steadiness that feels like a sailboat's keel.  There's something immovable about her, and it feels like just the right thing for the zig-zag path of his life.  Their sons, Gabe and Will, are darling grey-eyed miracles, and when I see Jon with them, I know that it seemed like God was being cruel that year, that middle of the night when he called me.  But he was not.  What I know now is that his kindness burns through even the deepest betrayals and invites life from death every chance we let him.  There are things that explode into our lives and we call them curses, and then one day, a year later or ten years later, we realize that they are actually something else.  They are the very most precious kinds of blessings.

It's dark today, almost like night and cool and rainy.  It always seems in the  dead of summer that it will be summer forever, that it couldn't possibly ever get cold again.  And then there are days like today that remind you that it will.  The leaves are starting to change, and the clouds have decidedly different presence than the one they had all summer.  They are brighter, more aggressive, fighting the sun more directly than the summer clouds who seemed more content to let the sun lead the way.  These clouds mean business.

The slight turn of seasons reminds me of last fall, and it strikes me that my life as changed almost beyond recognition since then.  In the process of breaking my heart, life or God or something - not that I don't believe God moves in these ways, I just don't want to immediately blame him for a crime he didn't commit - also delivered me to the life I've been wanting.  And I can spend all my life and all my soul and all my words on the pain of what happened to me, or I can take this glimmering gift and run.

The day I left my job at the church was the darkest day of my life so far.  It felt like a curse, a punch in the face, a slice to the core.  It made me feel like my luck had run out cosmically, and from then on, all I could expect was rain.

But the only person who decided my life was turned to dust was me.  The only  person who is still deeply troubled about what I've lost, even in the face of what I've gained, is me.  I would never have wanted it this way, but something bright and beautiful has been given to me, and I'm in grave danger of losing it, squandering it, becoming a person who cannot find the goodness that's right in front of her because of the sadness that she chooses to let obscure it.*

Now we're talking about celebration.  Celebration when you think you're calling the shots?  Easy.  Celebration when your plan is working?  Anyone can do that.  But when you realize that the story of your life could be told a thousand different ways, that you could tell it over and over as a tragedy, but you choose to call it an epic, that's when you start to learn what celebration is.  When what you see in front of you is so far outside of what you dreamed, but you have the belief, the boldness, the courage to call it beautiful instead of calling it wrong, that's celebration.

When you can invest yourself deeply and unremittingly in the life that surrounds you instead of declaring yourself out of the game once and for all, because what's happened to you is too bad, too deep, too ugly for anyone to expect you to move on from, that's that good, rich place.  That's the place where the things that looked for all intents and purposes like curses start to stand up and shimmer and dance, and you realize with a gasp that they may have been blessings all along.  Or maybe not.  Maybe they were curses, in fact, but the force of your belief and your hope and your desperate love for life as it is actually unfolding, has brought a blessing from a curse, like water from a stone, like life from a tomb, like the actual story of God over and over.

I would never try and tell you that every bad thing is really a good thing, just waiting to be gazed at with pretty new eyes, just waiting to be shined up and - ta da! - discovered as fantastic.  But what I know is that for me, and for my friend Jon, and for a lot of people I love, we're discovering that lots of times, not every time, maybe, but more often than not, there is something just past the heartbreak, just past the curse, just past the despair, and that thing is beautiful.  You don't want it to be beautiful, at first.  You want to stay in the pain and the blackness because it feels familiar, an because you're not done feeling victimized and smashed up.  But one day you'll wake up surprised and humbled, staring at something you thought for sure was a curse and has revealed itself to be a blessing - a beautiful, delicate blessing.

There have been a thousand moments when I have felt the weight and the sadness of this season, appropriately. But then there have been some moments where I have felt the blessing and beauty of it, too.  Seeing our baby's face on the ultrasound, eating ice cream with Aaron, having breakfast at Annette's and taking Spence for a walk, walking on the pier by myself today after lunch at the Phoenix Street Cafe'.  There is a particular beauty to this season, not the obvious everything-is-perfect beauty, but a strange slanted pleasantness that surprises me and catches in my throat like a sob or a song.

Nothing good comes easily.  You have to lose things you thought you loved, give up things you thought you needed.  You have to get over yourself, beyond your past, out from under the weight of your future.  The good stuff never comes when things are easy.  It comes when things are all heavily weighted down like moving trucks.  It comes just when you think it never will, like a shimmering Las Vegas rising up out of the desert, sparkling and humming with energy, a blessing that rose up out of a bone-dry, dusty curse.

When I lived in Santa Barbara, every time I drove to Las Vegas, I always got scared that I was lost, that I would die in the desert, eaten by a coyote.  The road was desolate and the truck stops eerie and silent, and I always began to lose hope - there was no Vegas, no city in this bleak desert.  We were sure to die, right on the side of the Pearblossom Freeway.  And then, every time, there it was, like a mirage, like a happy ending.

We become who we are in these moments.  I have a friend who falls back, whenever things are too hard, to an event in her life that happened over a decade ago.  It's the thing that she uses to justify cruel behavior, wrecked relationships, terrifying swings of emotion.*  But wouldn't it be great, wouldn't it be just like God, if that terrible thing could be the thing that lifts her up and delivers her to her best, truest self?  I know it can, because it happens all the time, because it happened to my friend Jon, and because it happened to me.

*(Ding, ding, ding!  That's me!!)

An update on life

Dude...what a last couple of weeks THAT was?!?!  I really don't want to relive the last two weeks as I'm sure most of you know about it, but briefly, my G'ma got a surprising diagnosis of metastatic cancer and not surprisingly decided to forego treatment.  Thankfully she did not have to deal with the illness for long as she passed on March 11th.  I know she is in a better place and I am at total peace.  I just have to get through those first few times when I want to call her and then realize that I can't.  


What I really want to write about in this post is my girls.  I am so very proud of them and all the changes and experiences they've gone through in the past couple weeks.  I'll start with Ella as I was more worried and sad for her throughout these past weeks more than anything.  Ella has had a very close relationship with G'ma from the moment she was born.  G'ma was there for her birth and then spent three weeks with Stephen and I as we transitioned into our new lives as parents.  I truly cannot imagine what I would've done without her, but that's another story.  Anyway, Ella and her 'grammy' have shared numerous memories and moments that will always mean a lot to Ella and to me, so it broke my heart to have to tell her that 'grammy' was ill and was going to go to heaven soon.  G'ma had a few conversations with Ella in the past about her going to heaven someday and what that meant and although at the time I didn't really want to hear my G'ma talking like that and also didn't want Ella to be scared or sad earlier than necessary, it ended up making this whole situation a lot easier!  Ella obviously was sad, but faced the news with bravery and asked a few questions and our answers seemed to comfort her.  As we went down to FL to help G'ma in her final days, Ella spent the first week with her cousins (and awesome Aunt and Uncle, who without them everything would've been 100 times more stressful and difficult) as I wasn't sure how hectic things would be or how sick G'ma was.  It was clear when I got there that G'ma didn't have much time, so I definitely wanted Ella to have some final moments with her.  We ended up staying another week and Ella was able to stay with me and she and 'grammy' had more special moments together that we will always treasure.  Ella was so sweet and so understanding and didn't let the changes in G'ma scare her.  The night G'ma passed Ella was spending some time with some friends from college and when we brought her back to G'ma's we sat her down and told her G'ma had gone to heaven.  I could not imagine what it was a like for her to have seen her earlier that day and have  had a conversation with her and then after leaving for a few hours 'grammy' being gone.  Ella again was very sad and it broke my heart because she said, "Now I won't have a grandma anymore."  I know she still had questions, but wasn't quite ready to ask them.  She still has her sad moments from time to time and says she wants to "talk to grammy" or wants to "see grammy" and all I can say is, "Me too".  She and I are grieving together, but I still am in awe of her innocence, bravery, love, faith and courage.  I hope that she and I can keep G'ma's legacy alive and that I can raise her as well as G'ma raised me.


Now Annie of course is too young to know what's going on, but I am so glad that there are memories and pictures that I can share with her about her short time with G'ma.  And I would also like to brag about how much of an angel she was on this 2 1/2 week journey.  It all started on our plane ride down that she slept all the way through...even through horrible turbulence where I was sure we might be meeting Jesus before G'ma.  Her sweetness continued through the trip as she gave G'ma tons of smiles and squeals of delight and would always reach for and hold one of G'ma's fingers...sweet, sweet memories I will always cherish.  Also within those 2 1/2 weeks, Annie reached several milestones all before turning 5 months old the day before we left FL.  The main event was that she cut not only one, but two teeth (the front two bottom).  I was truly shocked that she had her first two teeth before 5 months of age.  She was definitely more cranky than usual, but it could've been a lot worse.  For her, who really only cries when she's hungry or overly tired, her crankiness from cutting two teeth really wasn't as bad as it could've been.  We stocked up on Tylenol and Ambasol and she took a lot more naps!  She is now a big fan of her Sophie giraffe to chew on.  She is not a fan of the teethers that you put in the freezer.  She is also now rolling over completely front to back and back to front and pretty much gets around by scooting on her back.  She definitely doesn't sit still anymore.  I can't leave her on the couch for a few seconds anymore.  She also reaches for everything.  At first it was just the dangling toys on her playmat, but now it's pretty much everything in sight.  Cups, utensils, hair, jewelry, dogs, paper...nothing is safe! :)  The girl is also growing like a weed.  I know I say this every month, but I'm really curious what her 6 month check up stats will show.  As for eating, we weren't really able to continue with solids while in FL, but as soon as we got back we started with avocados.  They are so simple to prepare and so yummy for mommy to snack on, too!  Anyway, I definitely think she liked it better than the rice cereal we tried her on (once) at 4 months.  I was a little overzealous then with starting solids.  She definitely wasn't ready, but I was curious.  Now, I'm looking forward to making as many homemade foods for her as possible.  We're going to stick with the avocados for a couple more days and then move to sweet potatoes.  I can't wait!  I'm also hoping my hubby will let me get one of those baby food makers.  I know, I know...they're not necessary, but the self-steaming option and pureeing, etc. is so much easier in an all-in-one gizmo in my opinion.


I know there will most likely be at least one more post regarding me and my grieving of my G'ma, but for right now I am still thinking about what we all went through those 2 1/2 weeks and the memories that were made, milestones achieved and growing experiences for a 5 y.o. and the adults that were had.  I'm proud of my family and proud of our faith.  Our God was with us every step of the way and showed His mercy, grace, love and strength in every situation.  


Before I end this post, I also have to give props to my awesome husband. He drove down from MI a week after I had already been in FL knowing that G'ma didn't have much time left and wanting to be there to support me and say goodbye to G'ma.  But more amazingly than that, he took care of my G'ma in more than just a doctorly way.  I don't really know how to explain it, but I truly could not see another man being comfortable in an uncomfortable situation and so selfless to take the night shift, have difficult conversations, help prepare end of life needs, make several phone calls and have to tell people off to get the job done that should've already been done, write the obituary and many other things all while being there for me and the girls and our needs.  I'm still in awe of him and always will be.

Midlife crisis at 30?!

Let me first warn the reader that this post might be a bit rambling...okay, it might be a lot rambling (and personal).  The last week or so has been very emotional, stressful, quizzical, introspective, worrisome, lonely and so much more - all because I'm turning 30!?  I know this sounds crazy and I'm sure I'm making it a bigger deal that it needs to be.  But, I truly feel this is the beginning of a new phase of my life and while it's making me want to set goals and really keep them and accomplish them, it's making me think of this past decade of my life and what I've accomplished so far.  My greatest accomplishments so far is that I've been married almost 10 years to my soulmate who is a wonderful, caring and supportive man that I know was put on this earth only for me.  And then my other accomplishment would be my two beautiful girls who have shown me that I can love more than I ever thought and to reaffirm my faith that God does truly exist.  So, this sounds all wonderful and fluffy as I write this, but thinking about all of this has made me also think about what I've not accomplished and to wonder what I'm really on this earth for, because even though I love being a wife and mother, I am one of those people who does not like to be defined by that.  I don't like the feeling that the best part of my life is ending.


It's clear to me and I'm sure to a lot of others (hee, hee) that I am not the wife, mother, friend, Christian, health nut, clean freak, go-getter, good example that I want/wish to be.  I'm assuming none of us are, so that's not my issue.  I'm not comparing myself to others in any of these areas, but I do have several friends and family members that I admire and respect who are very strong in certain areas and even though I try and hang out with them as much as possible, nothing rubs off on me!  :)  But as I move onto a new phase and a new decade in my life, I find myself reminiscing about my past and missing it more than I'm looking forward to the future.  I feel like I'm stuck in my HS and college days as that is the last time I felt most successful about my life and when I had the most fun.  When it comes to this part of my life, I feel like the only way I could feel like a success is to go back to school.  But, I can't right now with a newborn and we'll see if I'm still interested in going back when it is possible in a couple years.  As for now, I'm trying to feel successful in my job as a medical transcriptionist, but that feelings ebbs and flows month to month mainly for reasons that are out of my control.  But, I am thankful for my job and I love  the feeling of accomplishing a huge amount of work in a few hours.


As for my role as mother and wife, I have not felt very successful and I want with all my soul to be better in those roles.  I am not a patient person.  I never have been.  I know it is possible to become a more patient person and as I have prayed numerous times for God to help me become more patient, He clearly has/is putting me in situations to test me as that will be the only way I can learn, change and grow.  Oh how I have failed!  Which means I'll only be tested more...and I want to succeed, somehow.  Of course, associated with my lack of patience is a quick temper and bad language.  Now, I can make excuses and say that this is how I was raised and it's just in my genes, and although that is part of it, I do not want to pass this down to my girls.  I go through phases in my life where the last thing I could think of doing is saying a curse word, but then I have phases where I think, who cares?  I'm not saying it where anyone can hear it or I'm only saying it out of frustration, not towards anyone in a hurtful way.  But, obviously I know that if I'm saying or thinking these words my heart is not right.  I want to be a good example for my girls, my non-Christian friends and I don't want to disappoint my husband.  He hates it when I curse.  I can tell every time I do that it makes me a little ugly to him.  So, I will continue to pray for help and healing in this area(s).


As for the rest of my issues...I want/need to lose weight, I need to eat better, I need to work out regularly, I need to make reading my Bible a priority as well as my prayer life, I need to call and reach out to my friends more, especially those who live in FL as they are very important to me and I would hate time and distance to ruin those relationships, I need to vacuum more often (LOL)...


...You know, all of this sounds like a lot of New Year's resolutions, but I promise they are not.  I've never been the type to make New Year's resolutions and I'm not starting now.  But, after a week or so of such introspection and disappointment in myself it only seemed fitting that I make note of all the areas I need/want improvement in.  I am very grateful for my husband's support and for him not running away in fear when he noticed my weirdness this past week.  :)  And as you are reading this, I would hope that you would support me as well, whether you are a friend or a family member, in prayers and accountability.


As I usually post things updating you on my girls' accomplishments and growth stats, I will hopefully be able to update you on my growth and accomplishments: emotionally, spiritually and physically.  I appreciate you taking the time to read my ramblings and if you think I'm crazy or not, please pray for me!  

A new start, a new life.

It has been a while, I know.  I'm sure you're wondering why I'm even bothering to update you if I'm not going to do so regularly.  Well, I'm turning over a new leaf...mainly because I miss my outlet of bragging (about my kids and husband), venting (about my kids and husband) and opining (about everything else).  But, my life has also gone through some changes since I last updated this blog and I figured this is really the best way for me to keep track of memories and experiences along the way since I am not good at scrapbooking or any other creative things like that.  So, here is to a new start and to a new life...

Ann "Annie" Lorraine Patrick

Born on 10/14/10 @ 9:38a

8 lb, 3 oz and 20 3/4" 

Annie arrived via repeat C-section at the University of Michigan's C.S. Mott Children's Hospital.  I'm trying to decide whether to rehash the "loveliness" surrounding my pre-op and post-op experiences thanks to an anesthesia resident (pre-op) and a old nurse (post-op).  For now, I won't...but, that's not to say there won't be a future post exposing all that ridiculousness!  Anyway, the actual surgery went as smooth as can be and even though there was some meconium when Annie was delivered, everything was fine.  Surprisingly, Annie was born on a Thursday morning and I left the hospital the following evening, mainly due to the "awesome" (dripping with sarcasm) nursing staff.   

Since we've been home Annie has been great.  She only cries when she is hungry or has a dirty diaper...OR if you put her down.  I do not remember Ella needing to be held this much.  I am trying to enjoy it realizing that this is most likely my last baby, but as my house gets more and more cluttered and smelly (?), I need to be able to get things done.  So, this is where I'll give a shout out to the Moby wrap (http://www.mobywrap.com/).  I don't know how I lived without this when I had Ella, but this is the only thing saving my sanity...and my back.

I'm also trying to breastfeed again with Annie and I'm happy to say that overall it is going a lot better than it did with Ella.  Unfortunately, as I was celebrating the smoothness of breastfeeding this go around, Annie ended up losing 12% of her birth weight within the first 4-5 days of life (more than 10% is not normal).  As we took her to and from the pediatrician's office and saw a lactation consultant, no one understood what the problem was as my milk had some in good and plenty and it seemed like Annie was latching and feeding well.  Even still, I was put on a strict feeding schedule of feeding Annie every 2-3 hours (and waking her up to do so if she wasn't already awake) and then pumping after the feedings to get any other milk I had and then offering that to her.  9 times out of 10 she would take more milk.  I was not understanding what I was doing wrong, if anything, and felt like I couldn't succeed at breastfeeding no matter what!  Why did everything have to be soooo difficult?!?!  I will admit that after a few days of this I was going insane and in the middle of the night I did NOT want to pump, so I supplemented with formula if she wanted it.  She didn't take it every time, but the times that she did, it was so much easier and faster than pumping! I did this for about two weeks and thankfully it worked.  As fast she dropped to 7 lb, 4 oz from her birth weight of 8 lb, 3 oz, it seemed she gained it all back and more and on Nov. 2 she was a whopping 8 lb, 7 oz!  So, I was officially able to get back to 'normal' breastfeeding, whatever that is (I'll save those rantings for another post).  I will still pump occasionally if she ends up sleeping longer and I'm about ready to explode.  Ella has enjoyed helping feed her and it killed her last week when she had a bit of a cold and we made her stay away from Annie!

Speaking of Ella, she is a big Kindergartner now and goes to school all day (which apparently isn't a free right in MI) and it has been good for all of us.  I cannot imagine her still only going to school for 1/2 a day.  She would hate it just as much as I would.  But, with that big transition and also her riding the bus to and from school everyday, becoming a big sister on top of all that has been an interesting journey.  She absolutely loves her sister and wants her to be able to play and talk already!  As for now, she enjoys singing and reading books to Annie.  But, completely separate from Annie she has her 'normal' 5-year-old moments that I believe she would have whether Annie was here or not.  But, I am confident that she will be a GREAT big sister and tons of help in the future!

As for other 'new' things, Stephen is a fellow as of July 1, 2010.  He started a dual fellowship in neonatology and is also a Robert Wood Johnson Clinical Scholar.  No one knows what the latter is, so don't feel bad.  It's a highly regarded research fellowship for medical personnel, but again means nothing to us lamen folk.  His dual fellowship is a total of three years (meaning the earliest we would be leaving MI is in 2013).  The first two years is 80% research and 20% clinical time which means he's mostly in the NICU on-call on the weekends unless he is on service which he only was in July and won't be again until May 2011.  The third and final year will mostly be clinical time in the NICU.  He is absolutely in love with his job(s) and is excited about the opening of the new children's hospital in November 2011.  

So, new things abound in the Patrick family, especially since the last time I posted something.  I'm looking forward to more newness in the future and more posting, but right now I would just love to enjoy the familiarness of my bed.  

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz... 

Ella's 15 Month Update

Wow, this last month has flown by! I feel like I open every update with that, but time seriously seems to be flying by, I guess because once again we're in a chaotic time in our lives where there are tons of things going on and some major decisions being made that will affect our lives for years to come. Stephen is currently in the middle of his first away rotation at the University of Florida where he's working on a surgical oncology rotation. Shockingly, Stephen has come to find out that surgery is not for him. Not because he doesn't love being in the OR or that he wouldn't be a great surgeon, because that is far from the truth. But after the first week of working nonstop, getting only 3-4 hours of sleep a night and not seeing his wife or daughter (and he's not even a resident yet), he truly feels that life is too short and to be honest, his passion for the uninsured (especially children) and his MPH from Harvard just doesn't fit with the surgical lifestyle. He feels bad that he didn't realize this 6 months ago because he feels like it's so obvious now. I am obviously supportive of whatever he does and I'm just happy that he's happy now that he's going back to his first love in medicine - Pediatrics. Now, if you know Stephen, you'll know that he's not the one to 'just be a Pediatrician', so after his three year residency in Peds, he'll be doing some type of fellowship. Now, what exactly the fellowship will be, he doesn't know. It could be anything from Peds ER, to Critical Care, to Neonatology, etc. So, he will reapply to residencies as he has to cancel his previous application tha the sent in on the 1st. The number of schools that he applies to will decrease dramamtically. He applied to 39 school for surgery, but it'll be closer to 20, possibly less, for Peds. I will definitely keep you informed as he hears back for interviews.

Now, for my usual mothly udpate, Ella is....well, I don't know how to describe her anymore. She is the light of our lives and keeps us going even when we want to slow down, which is a good thing and a bad thing. She's talking more and more and even if she can't pronounce a word right you know she's trying to have a conversation with you and wants you to understand what she's saying. I don't even know if I can remember all the new words she says, but some that she says all the time are ball, balloon, blue...I guess she's working on her b's, now that's she's conquered her d's. Ella's 15 month checkup is Fri. and I don't remember how many shot she has to get this time, but it'll be the first time I'll take her to a checkup by myself, so I'll get to hold her down this time!

Ella is still eating great, too. There's not one thing that I put on her plate that she won't eat (I wish her father was that easy to please)! Her swimming improves every time we get in the water. She's jumping off the edge into our arms now, and she thinks she can swim all by herself and gets pissed when we don't let her! She also loves running. I think in my last update I said she had started to run, but she runs a marathon every day now it seems. She could run back in forth all day long if she wanted to. Her favorite cartoon is still The Backyardigans and she also likes Veggie Tales. Every time the theme songs come on to those shows she squeals with excitement and starts to dance. Ella also loves being outside. She loves the way the grass feels on her feet and she loves picking flowers for her mommy. She's already gotten her first scrapes on her knees and I'm already worrying about her having scars!

I will fill you in on her stats when we get back from the doctor's on Fri. and maybe I'll remember some more of the many different things she's doing and getting into these days!

Time is flying by!

Originally posted on September 14, 2005.

Sept. 14th, 2005. Sept. 14, 2005?!?! Wow, it just dawned on me today how much my life has changed in such a short period of time. It seems like just yesterday I was in Florida and in college. And then I was pregnant!! That was such a great moment when I found out I was pregnant. Stephen and I had been trying for 8 months and we were getting a little worried. Sadly enough, we were both secretly afraid it was one of our faults that we hadn't gotten pregnant yet. Needless to say, we were both relieved and VERY happy to find out we were going to be parents. Now, I feel like the pregnany flew by, yet I quickly remember how miserable I was throughout the pregnancy except for the 4th & 5th month. That was the only time I was comfortable. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is...all of a sudden I'm a mom, and then we move, and now we've already been here for a little over a month!

On Sept. 10 Ella hit her 3 month mark. I feel like she'll be driving before I know it! She has grown so fast and she's changed so much since we've gotten to Boston. I feel like her family in FL won't even know who she is when they see her next time. She gets more beautiful every day and it's amazing how she does something new almost every day, too. She's so curious about everything and everyone. She smiles and giggles all the time and she l-o-v-e-s sucking on her fist and/or fingers. She is definitely not a pacifier baby. She has no interest in those at all, which I guess it great! I obviously have those fears about whether or not she may be behind in certain things, etc., but at this point, I guess you can't really be behind. Babies don't really roll over until about 4 months on average, yet the fact that Ella does not like tummy-time, I'm afraid it may be a little long for her. Then I fear that she'll start crawling later, which means she'll walk later, which means she'll be potty trained later, etc., etc. And yes, I know this is all ridiculous. All babies progress differently and Ella is perfectly healthy and obviously smart, so I have nothing to worry about. I do wish we were still in FL so Ella could hang out with one of her friends that she hasn't even met yet! Our friends Bridget and Luis had a baby girl a couple days after Ella was born and they live in Orlando. I would love to see Ella and Analise together. I wonder what that would be like and if they would lay next to each other on the floor and at least notice each other. That would be really cool.

Anyway, it's times like these when I start feeling old even though I'm only 24. I can't imagine Ella not being a baby, but I know she'll be a teenager before I know it. What I really can't imagine is Stephen and I growing older. For some reason I think of us being 24 and 26 while we're teaching Ella how to drive. Now, that would be weird!

Oh, before I close, WARNING! Britney Spears has given birth to a baby boy. Run away, run away! You know that kid was saying, "Please! Please! Leave me in here for another 9 months!"