Let me first warn the reader that this post might be a bit rambling...okay, it might be a lot rambling (and personal). The last week or so has been very emotional, stressful, quizzical, introspective, worrisome, lonely and so much more - all because I'm turning 30!? I know this sounds crazy and I'm sure I'm making it a bigger deal that it needs to be. But, I truly feel this is the beginning of a new phase of my life and while it's making me want to set goals and really keep them and accomplish them, it's making me think of this past decade of my life and what I've accomplished so far. My greatest accomplishments so far is that I've been married almost 10 years to my soulmate who is a wonderful, caring and supportive man that I know was put on this earth only for me. And then my other accomplishment would be my two beautiful girls who have shown me that I can love more than I ever thought and to reaffirm my faith that God does truly exist. So, this sounds all wonderful and fluffy as I write this, but thinking about all of this has made me also think about what I've not accomplished and to wonder what I'm really on this earth for, because even though I love being a wife and mother, I am one of those people who does not like to be defined by that. I don't like the feeling that the best part of my life is ending.
It's clear to me and I'm sure to a lot of others (hee, hee) that I am not the wife, mother, friend, Christian, health nut, clean freak, go-getter, good example that I want/wish to be. I'm assuming none of us are, so that's not my issue. I'm not comparing myself to others in any of these areas, but I do have several friends and family members that I admire and respect who are very strong in certain areas and even though I try and hang out with them as much as possible, nothing rubs off on me! :) But as I move onto a new phase and a new decade in my life, I find myself reminiscing about my past and missing it more than I'm looking forward to the future. I feel like I'm stuck in my HS and college days as that is the last time I felt most successful about my life and when I had the most fun. When it comes to this part of my life, I feel like the only way I could feel like a success is to go back to school. But, I can't right now with a newborn and we'll see if I'm still interested in going back when it is possible in a couple years. As for now, I'm trying to feel successful in my job as a medical transcriptionist, but that feelings ebbs and flows month to month mainly for reasons that are out of my control. But, I am thankful for my job and I love the feeling of accomplishing a huge amount of work in a few hours.
As for my role as mother and wife, I have not felt very successful and I want with all my soul to be better in those roles. I am not a patient person. I never have been. I know it is possible to become a more patient person and as I have prayed numerous times for God to help me become more patient, He clearly has/is putting me in situations to test me as that will be the only way I can learn, change and grow. Oh how I have failed! Which means I'll only be tested more...and I want to succeed, somehow. Of course, associated with my lack of patience is a quick temper and bad language. Now, I can make excuses and say that this is how I was raised and it's just in my genes, and although that is part of it, I do not want to pass this down to my girls. I go through phases in my life where the last thing I could think of doing is saying a curse word, but then I have phases where I think, who cares? I'm not saying it where anyone can hear it or I'm only saying it out of frustration, not towards anyone in a hurtful way. But, obviously I know that if I'm saying or thinking these words my heart is not right. I want to be a good example for my girls, my non-Christian friends and I don't want to disappoint my husband. He hates it when I curse. I can tell every time I do that it makes me a little ugly to him. So, I will continue to pray for help and healing in this area(s).
As for the rest of my issues...I want/need to lose weight, I need to eat better, I need to work out regularly, I need to make reading my Bible a priority as well as my prayer life, I need to call and reach out to my friends more, especially those who live in FL as they are very important to me and I would hate time and distance to ruin those relationships, I need to vacuum more often (LOL)...
...You know, all of this sounds like a lot of New Year's resolutions, but I promise they are not. I've never been the type to make New Year's resolutions and I'm not starting now. But, after a week or so of such introspection and disappointment in myself it only seemed fitting that I make note of all the areas I need/want improvement in. I am very grateful for my husband's support and for him not running away in fear when he noticed my weirdness this past week. :) And as you are reading this, I would hope that you would support me as well, whether you are a friend or a family member, in prayers and accountability.
As I usually post things updating you on my girls' accomplishments and growth stats, I will hopefully be able to update you on my growth and accomplishments: emotionally, spiritually and physically. I appreciate you taking the time to read my ramblings and if you think I'm crazy or not, please pray for me!
4 comments:
Oh my gosh, I look back and I could have written this at 30! The problem is, now I am 55 and I am still struggling with a lot of the same things! I know there are many areas that I have grown in, but I still struggle with this thing called "balance." It seems I can conquer one area at a time, but struggle at being able to do all of them at once. Thus, I still need the work of the Holy Spirit in my life. May God grant you the grace and wisdom as you move into your thirties to accept what you cannot change and the confidence and ability to move forward with those things that you desire to change. I am so proud of you and think you are a lovely young mother .... if you question your mothering, look again. You have beautiful girls who look so happy, and I am sure they are. Happy to have you for a Mom. So relax and enjoy them. They grow up way too fast!!
Love, Cindy
Kelly,
Wow. That is really honest of you and I admire that. I too am struggling with a lot of the same issues that you are. I am in the last year of my 30's as you enter your first year! I, too, am needing and wanting to change so many things. I will pray for you that God will give you the strength and wisdom that you need. I have been blessed with some great girlfriends, who help keep me grounded. I guess that is why women need other women, we understand each other. I will be anxious to read how you are doing.
Love,
Sharon
I am so excited to see that you blog, I hope you don't mind if I follow you! I too admire your honesty, I think it takes a lot to step back and really realize AND share with others your goals. I hope we all can get together soon!
Jaime
Kelly,
I can't tell you how similar our roads are. I feel like the issues your talking about are one's I'm dealing with too. I think it is turning 30 (I did in Oct) and after having a baby brings on so much change. It's the growing pains that I think are strengthening us. I don't want to sound happy-go-lucky but I know it will get better. I think the mere fact that these things concern you is proof of what an amazing mother, wife, friend you are. I think I tend to imagine a "perfect" life and when it dosen't meet that standard I'm shamed. I think it has something to do with our pasts. Our future is the one thing we can control that is not chaotic so to speak, so when it doesn't feel up to par, we feel guilty. At least that's how it is for me. I want you to know that I love you and respect your honesty. I'm glad I can relate to someone who's open and real about what's on your heart.
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